


Something Like Something

by analester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Other, Suicidal Thoughts, allusions to depression, read with caution pls it's pretty dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 08:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11642646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analester/pseuds/analester
Summary: “It's a feeling that is hard to explain. To Phil, it's like a constant mood that weighs him down like a monkey on his back. Some days it's tolerable and he can get through the day despite the lingering feeling in the back of his mind.”





	Something Like Something

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i'm in no way implying that this is what phil feels, this is me venting <3

It's a feeling that is hard to explain.

 

To Phil, it's like a constant mood that weighs him down like a monkey on his back. Some days it's tolerable and he can get through the day despite the lingering feeling in the back of his mind. Those type of days he can ignore it for the most part and finding ways to distract himself are easier.

 

And then there are the days where he feels like it's too much. It's like an ache in his chest that makes his limbs heavy and he doesn't want to move because it just hurts in all of the wrong ways. It's excrutiating when he's alone, but it doesn't matter because he isn't be affected by other people and he can brood alone. That heavy feeling in his chest makes it hard to breathe and he wants to die and he wants to be alone, but god does he wants attention and reassurance to make him feel better.

 

But seeking that attention and reassurance is selfish. He wants more than anything for Dan to realise that he's down more than usual and he wants to be told that he'll be okay.

 

That everyone has bad days.

 

That there are a few things that could make the pain ease even if it's just a smidge like watching a movie with him or looking at wholesome memes.

 

That the feeling will be better tomorrow.

 

That the weight on his chest will lighten up if they do things together that will distract him.

 

God, Phil wants the attention badly, but Dan's always in a bad mood and it's better if he just _doesn't._ It's not like he needs his help anyways, the storm will pass and he guesses he'll feel better.

 

Unless he doesn't.

 

And that usually happens too.

 

It's rare that Phil wakes up "okay." It's rare that this feeling will cooperate and he can act like a normal human being without wanting to breakdown every second. It's rare that it'll behave and lighten up so that it's easier to do things.

 

Every time Phil wakes up, he wishes he didn't. He wakes up with a hope that he'll be greeted with reassurance and it fades fast when he doesn't have it. When it happens he'll think about what he did the day before and everything he did wrong that made him deserve it. Because obviously he deserved it. And the fact that he didn't even realise what he was doing at the time makes it even worse.

 

He knows that this feeling affects his actions, and sometimes, he can't help it. But it'll slip without him noticing because every short reply is a cry for help.

 

But no one really notices.

 

Because no one really cares.

 

It's okay though because he'll get over it eventually, that temporary heartbreak. People will expect him to get over it because they says it's just a thing that will go away. They don't want to see him as anything but who he established on the internet. So he'll continue on like he normally does, but he knows that that feeling will never die.

 

Phil kinda wishes that it won't because, honestly, who would he be without it?


End file.
